I remember sitting with my mother as a kid (me,  not my mother… sitting with her while she was still a kid would be almost entirely impossible) while she clipped coupons out of the ginormous Sunday newspaper (why is there so much more fucking news on Sunday?).  After I read the non-funny comics, of course.  Seriously… have you gone back and read the old Garfield, Family Circus, and Dagwood comics?  They all had three jokes written in different ways each week, and none of them were funny. It’s one of the reasons I don’t want kids… because I won’t be able to respect them.  All people are idiots until their in their mid-20s.  Period.  You can’t possibly argue that… and if you’re already over 30, you completely agree with me, or you play with your own shit in the toilet.

But I digress… my mother would clip out these coupons, and then go grocery shopping.  Typically, half way through the trip, she would question why she brings me every week.  This happened every week.  My mother apparently has a very bad memory… because I was the same asshole kid I was 20 minutes ago when she made me get into the car.  At any rate, she would use the coupons at the register, and walk away happy because she saved $150.00.  Granted, she bought diapers because there was a coupon for it even though, at the age of 12, I was the youngest of 3 boys… but she saved 75 cents on a four dollar item she didn’t need in the first place.  Somehow, this was savings when using my mother’s logic.  See… back then, coupons made sense (I am not going to make a pun here).  The manufacturer would clip the coupon, and you would take it in to the store, and the store would trade that coupon in for free stock of that item, or money… Then, it started to get ridiculous… store coupons.  A store (let’s say Acme) will print a coupon for a random product for their store.  What the fuck happened to “on sale“?  You know… where you just lower the price of an item so you don’t have to clip out some stupid shit and hand it in to the cashier for no apparent reason.  The kicker is that they have the coupons there when you walk in!  Better than that is when the fucking cashier asks you if you have the coupon, you say no, and they use one that they have at the fucking register!!!  How does that make any fucking sense?!  Today, I have a little “card” on my keyring for just about every store I go to.  The idea is that you can use that instead of coupons, which is great.  They get to track who’s buying what, and I get to not clip out fucking coupons for 2 hours on a Sunday morning.  The other day, though, we were at the local Acme, and I saw a sign for Sprite Zero.  It was 5 for 4 dollars with your Acme card… and their coupon.  I walked to the front of the store, took their circular, ripped the one coupon out of it that I wanted, and left the rest of it in the bottom of the nearest grocery cart (I dare you to find a grocery cart without trash in it).  Who did this extra step help?  Maybe I just don’t get business… or maybe business is run by a team of mothers like mine and 12-year-old Garfield fans.