There is nothing quite as refreshing as a good pee.  I’ve never been one to say “ahhhh” while doing it, but having visited the occasional men’s room, I can certainly attest that there are plenty of men that DO.  Oh, God… I hope they were peeing!  That said, there is also nothing more bothersome than the act of urinating, and I’d like to share some of those gripes now… from a man’s point of view, anyway.  I’m sure women have their own unique problems, but I’m a dude, so you’re all on your own.  For starters, once you are standing AT the toilet or urinal, your body has already sent a signal to your bladder that everything’s a “go”.  You have roughly 5 seconds, then, to get your junk out before the flow begins…  This is where I notice that men’s underwear is unnecessarily complicated.  You know that little “flap” in the front of men’s underwear that women get so jealous of?  It is the fucking RUBIK’S CUBE of under things!  First, you pull the left flap to the left… which reveals a second flap.  You take that flap and push it to the right using your other hand.  Now, while holding two flaps in two different directions with two different hands, you have to find your dick, wrestle it out of your underwear (god forbid you have the emergency brake on… ie:  the “pee erection”) and aim it so that everything gets into the bowl that’s easily 2-3 feet away from your penis (except for urinals which are close enough to splash back onto you… or if you’re a male porn star, you probably just drop it right into the water).  Getting back to the pee-rection, though… imagine a faucet blasting away at full power.  Now, put your thumb on the part where the water comes out.  Now stop bitching about the occasional drop getting on the floor.  You’re lucky you don’t have to fucking repaint every week.
Basically, nothing can be done about the “spray” pee… the double-streamer, though… quick decisions must be made.  The decision is essentially this:  Which stream gets to go into the toilet, and which one am I cleaning up?  See… the penis is a funny thing.  At the end of it, is not so much a round hole as it is a complicated slot.  This slot can stick to itself in the middle occasionally, and PRESTO!  You have two streams.  I would sit down to pee if it just didn’t completely emasculate me.  I would honestly rather wipe up my own piss.  These days, I just pretend I’m the lost Ghostbuster and make sure the streams don’t cross.  We’re repainting Saturday.

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