So, it’s already been well established that I’m a complete and total idiot.  That said, not every incident where I burn myself is 100% MY fault.  I mean… why the FUCK does coffee need to be so god damned hot?  Seriously… molten lava is a lower temperature than your local Dunkin’ Donuts coffee pot!  I’m fairly certain that humans learned how to make glass when someone accidentally poured out their coffee in the desert.  Now granted, coffee is only hot for so long, and this is what truly amazes me.  I will first drink the coffee, annihilating all of the taste buds and feeling in the tip of my tongue.  10 minutes later, the steam from this coffee will still set fire to my nosehairs and tan my skin.  It is hot like the surface of the sun is hot.  30 seconds after that, it’s drinkable for roughly 10 seconds, after which time it becomes iced coffee.  I put the cup in the microwave to heat it up, and repeat the process until I am in the burn ward.
Speaking of steam, I think most people understand that steam is cooked food’s way of saying “hey… you might want to wait a few seconds”.  For some reason, my brain interprets this as “put that in your mouth”.  After my mouth realizes I have made yet another bad decision, my brain suggests relief.  “Swallow it, quickly!  DO IT!”  My brain is a prick sometimes.  I can feel my intestines cook as the food goes down.  Growing up, I would have the food already in my mouth when my mother would warn me, “Careful… that’s hot”.  I would stare at her, with tears welling up in my eyes.  “Yes… you are yet again 10 seconds too late,” my eyes would say.  “Please help me.”  This role is now my girlfriend’s, and she is also always 10 seconds too late.  Once, she did manage to warn me well in advance.  I looked at her like she thought I was a complete idiot.  I put the food in my mouth and immediately tried to cool it with the “reverse cooling breath” that never seems to do anything but entertain those around me.  I always walk away with a little tiny piece of skin hanging down off the roof of my mouth as a little reminder that patience is a virtue… and I am an idiot that can’t wait 30 seconds for his food to cool.  Pizza has become my favorite food to eat with other people, though… no one can escape pizza’s molten wrath.  It tricks you because the CRUST is nice and cool, and that’s the part you touch.  Cheese starts to melt at around 172 degrees Fahrenheit.  The place we order it from cooks their pizza just below the temperature where cheese turns into steam.  Ever bought a pizza and had cheese all over the top of the box.  Cheese steam.  My friend grabs a slice and puts it in his mouth.  “Careful,” I say.  “That’s hot!”

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